pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
