why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
