I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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