You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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