You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
