im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
