so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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