I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
