I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
