I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
