News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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