just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
