Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He better not be in your backpack
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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