Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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