I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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