Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
