apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
