my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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