life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
