Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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