i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
