you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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