Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
