Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
