Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
