I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
