Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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