Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
