Already got asked if we're dating
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
