I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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