Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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