to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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