im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
