my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
