If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
