Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
