I want to walk on stilts...naked
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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