she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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