Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
