I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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