He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You left your phone here
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