I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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