Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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