a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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