Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
