fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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