Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
