haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
