Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
