All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
