Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
