I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
