the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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